Author Archive

Jerry Ratch reading in NYC

September 17, 2013 Leave a comment

9 minutes reading poems, taped in NYC, 2009

Categories: Uncategorized

Sleeping Beauty Left on Plane – by Jerry Ratch

May 29, 2010 2 comments


Sleeping Beauty was left sleeping on a plane
They tried to wake her but couldn’t
so they locked her in for the night

When she got up in the middle of the night
she was completely disoriented
and staggered up the aisle to the bathroom
to take a pee in a tiny little closet

“Where am I?” she kept whining “Where am I?”
Ordinarily Sleeping Beauty did not whine
so you can understand how extraordinary
the circumstances

After finding herself locked in the plane
she sat down in the pilot’s seat
and began pushing buttons and fondling
the controls

Suddenly the engines fired up
She taxied that puppy out onto the runway
and radioed the control tower
“Control Tower? This is Sleeping Beauty.
Permission to take off?”

“Yeah, right,” was all they said from the tower
They were smoking a giant doobie
because it was the middle of the night
and it seemed like the planet had stopped spinning
Also they thought someone was joking
until Sleeping Beauty powered up and took off

“Okay, May Day, May Day, we got Sleeping Beauty
circling over Manhattan and don’t know
how to get her down! May Day! May Day!”

“Tell her to splash down in the Hudson River,”
said an unknown voice over the intercom
probably her handsome prince in a rowboat below
“It’s been done before. Don’t worry. Piece of cake.
But next time watch out for the Magic Geese.”

copyright © 2010 by Jerry Ratch

A Caregiver’s Homage To the Very Old – by Jerry Ratch

May 15, 2010 1 comment


When you take her grocery shopping

take a list and make her stick to it

as she forgets and duplicates a lot

She is also very generous

and will insist on buying you something

I think she cannot live without fresh flowers

or plants that are blooming. She loves a garden

and has no seasonal sense

About privacy – set limits right away

or you won’t pass your exams

You may have to remind her daily for awhile

Fortunately her bedtime is around 7 p.m.

When she visits in the early a.m. I send her home

but then often find her crying

With a little supervision she can make her own coffee

She needs a small fridge to store OJ, milk, ice cream, diet Coke and fruit

especially grapefruit and tomatoes

She loves cookies, candy and bear-claws

and munches a lot

I figure nutrition is not her problem

Her meals consist of one generous tablespoon

of three or four items, especially tomatoes peeled

and cut small, and peeled cucumbers

If she doesn’t have a sliver of some meat at noon

she “hasn’t eaten”  

Thank God she loves baked potatoes

She will also eat Marie Callender’s pot pies

She’ll split half with you

Supper she will eat what you do, only small portions

She eats more if she eats with someone

Tapioca pudding and chocolate pudding

watermelon, and cantaloupe are favorite desserts

and if she eats ice cream

she likes a bit of coffee to warm up

Make some excuse, but don’t let her loose in your kitchen

She will act furious if you offer to do something for her

She can help chop, or setting table

and at night I sit her down to a glass of wine

that I buy in a big box – White Zin

She occasionally likes a Budweiser

Left alone, she forgets to eat

clean up after herself, change clothes, loses her shoes

and forgets who you are and where she is

She’s a loving 4-year-old, and you must say NO and mean it

no mater how much age difference there is

If she says she is lonely, she’s probably bored

She likes picture magazines and short, light books

and peruses catalogs. She likes short drives

and will wait in the car if it’s not too hot

Wal-Mart is fine if you give her a sundae

and tell her to stay in the food section. Also Costco

She will never nap lying down

but all the time sitting up

Put a thick towel on the seat

She is safe with knives and is very careful of steps

if she has nothing in her hands

Both hands should be used for balance

Also getting in and out of cars

she must have her hands empty as her right knee

hurts with bending or bearing weight

She has a cane and should be encouraged to use it

I have her trained not to carry her purse in the store

it’s too heavy and cumbersome

If she falls, she falls –

you are not God

and she has lived her life


copyright (c) 2010 by Jerry Ratch

Pigeons Having Sex on an Air Conditioner in New York – by Jerry Ratch

May 14, 2010 3 comments


“The place is great,” we told the rental agent, “except for one thing.

“Pigeons are nesting on the air conditioner in the bedroom window.


“At 7 a.m. the pigeons were having sex on the air conditioner.


“They started getting really wild and throwing themselves against the window. The noise of their wings flapping against the window panes kept waking us up.


“It was only 7 a.m.” we emphasized. “7 a.m.!”

“Well,” we asked. “What do you have to say to that?”

There was a pause while you could distinctly hear the rental agent swallow.

He cleared his throat.

“That sounds kind of hot,” he said.

True story

copyright (c) 2010 by Jerry Ratch