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> A Nightclub of Naughty VOICES > Iron Lung (Ode to Cigarette Withdrawal) by Jodine Derena Butler
Iron Lung (Ode to Cigarette Withdrawal) by Jodine Derena Butler
Anticipation builds
an iron lung
the sweet desire
for oral pleasure
still lingers
on my
lips
/
one last
taste
lick
fix
she slips
into something
warm & inviting
& I watch him
slowly undress
before raising his shaft
can I have one?
her voice
pleading desperado
she assumes the position
& I am sucked right in
he gestures
she folds, rolls
& sets her fire to smoulder
her submission
concluded
his mission
accomplished
together we watch
the world burn
© Copyright 2010 Jodine Derena Butler. All Rights Reserved
Those last 2 lines… you lost me there, but the buildup of tension is great. thanks
Thank you. There is something about bumming a cigarette from a stranger and then observing the world around you…all the smokers congregate together, so in essence we are all watching each other burn. I dunno. It seemed to fit at the time…lol. Jx
Thanks for explaining… i get it.
Being a smoker that will only stop until I am stopped, I know the feelings here very well of both bumming and being bummed up for a smoke many, many times, and it all rings true here. The parallels to sex are spot on, non-smokers will never get it. Very well done, Jodine.
Lol. Yes, oh yes there is a parallel! So seductive… Thank you Walter. Jx
Well, excuse me, but I’m a non-smoker, and I get this completely. Who says The Fuddy Duddy Writer is old-fashioned in all ways? While the adjectives of her title, which admittedly come first as adjectives are wont to do, draw attention to her high grammatical standards, the main part – the noun – is after all ‘Writer’ which means she is accustomed to exercising her imagination. So.
The Fud is a non-smoker but admires lines like this:
she folds, rolls
& sets her fire to smoulder
because 1) she likes the way those o’s roll on her tongue and 2) she likes a good poem about the perversity of human nature.
She also appreciates the lipstick, as she is thinking of changing her signature Rocket Red for special occasions.
Lol. Such profound observations! Did you notice my feeble attempt to create a set of lips complete with a forward slash as a makeshift sha…I mean cigarette? Drawing parallels with the image? This was a completely un-poetic ‘happy accident’…but it works! Well, sort of. I also like the seductive presence of the l’s in the opening stanza’s… before ‘slipping’ into something that rolls on her tongue. I am considering removing the line “he stares right through her” because I don’t really think it adds much, if anything, to the poem. Your thoughts? Jx
It does seem to break the flow a little, and seems out of place as you say, I’d can it.
Yeah. Thanks for your consideration of it. It is gone! Jx